Love vs. Law

This is my first post on my new blog and I want to use the blog to share about things I feel strongly about. I understand that a lot of people will probably disagree with my views but that’s life. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. But the fact is that, it’s my blog and I get to write what I want to write.

I remember watching Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married?” and feeling disturbed. It wasn’t that the film wasn’t nice, it was. What made me feel disturbed was the part where Tyler Perry’s character and his wife were arguing over having children and she blurted out the usual phrase that women all over America are familiar with, “It’s my body.” Every female of child bearing age (between the ages of 9 and 60) with those words, asserts her rights to control the reproductive processes of her body and thereby decide whether or not to have sex with her husband or boyfriend or abort or keep any baby that might be conceived as a result of the sex. And before the females think I’m about to go on an anti-female rant, I’m not. The thought came to me one day that even with all the rights that we as human beings have, the world is still full of pain, murder and people hurting each other. Then another thought came, that the rights we hold on to with a passion are just a substandard version God’s laws and of the ultimate law of God, the law of love.

Before I go on, I would like to state what love is NOT. Hollywood and the world around has made us believe that love is about sex and a lot of Christians have bought into that lie. You all know that movie, where the teenage male lead tells the girl he “loves” that she should have sex with him to prove that she loves him? We all sigh and go mushy inside even as we reach for our handkerchiefs’ when she says a tremulous “Yes”. We murmur about what a beautiful relationship it is. That is NOT love. That’s just sex. If he loved her, he wouldn’t ask her to prove her love in the first place. Love is not a mushy feeling that we get when we look at someone of the opposite sex whom we feel we love. The mushy feeling is just an emotion and like most, if not all emotions, it will disappear. The thing with emotions is that they are dependent upon the happening of an event and if a negative event were to happen, it would wipe out the former earlier positive emotion. Love is not an emotion as it is not dependent upon the happening of any event. Also, if you’re in an abusive relationship that you don’t want to leave because you think he or she loves you, sorry to break your bubble. Love is not about abuse. He or she doesn’t love you. He or she is just using you and you are obsessed with them. That is not love. Love does not intentionally hurt.

If all those things are not what love is all about, then, what is love? Forget about all those definitions that talk about eros, philio and all that. Love is much simpler than all that. Love doesn’t need to be broken up into all that. Simply put, you know you love someone when you want the best the best for them, even when what is best for them might be to your own detriment. I know a lot of people will probably not agree with that but the Bible is full of people who because they loved, helped the person they loved achieve what was best for that person even to their own detriment.

The Bible tells us that God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son ….” we all know the rest. God gave up Jesus to die for you and me so that he could redeem us back to Him. Have we ever wondered that maybe God harboured a little fear that might Jesus human nature might cause him to sin and cause them to be separated forever? Yet, He still gave him up. He suffered loss (albeit temporarily) so that you and I could have a relationship with him again.

Jesus also suffered the loss of his life so that you and I could find a way back to the father. He died so that you and I could inherit all the benefits of being sons and daughters of God. I know, some of you’ll say “Well JC, that is basically God.” Then what about Abraham? Abraham and Lot both became so prosperous that there were quarrels between their servants while they were both together in Genesis 13. In verse 9, Abraham gave Lot the chance to choose first, where he wanted to go. Even though Abraham was the one with the promise and Lot was only tagging along, Abraham gave Lot the chance to chose the good part of the land first, even though he would be left with the bad part rejected by lot. Abraham gave Lot the chance to choose first, because he loved him. Loving someone therefore means being ready to give up something so that the one we love can enjoy a benefit. This can be any situation in the home, with friends or the office. If I were to ask the men if they loved their office assistant, a lot would probably recoil in horror, stammering about how they didn’t think of the office assistant in that way. Like I said earlier, the love I am talking about has nothing whatsoever to do with sex, so relax. Put another way, even though she’s just an office assistant, would you be willing to do anything to help her get ahead in life, even if she became your boss? If you are afraid of her being your boss, then it’s probably because you have been a bad boss. The essence of love is that you think of yourself last. It might not be a conscious effort, going around saying that you’re thinking of everyone first. But life is about decisions. When the time for decisions come, then we will truly know whether or how much we have loved.

I know that thanks to Oprah and a lot of TV gurus, the usual thing is to think of yourself first. I have heard a lot of them say that you’re the first person you should think of when it comes to the issue of happiness. That if you’re in a marriage and you’re feeling unhappy and you’ve found someone else you think you love, the first person that deserves to be happy is you. What your children or spouse thinks or feels doesn’t matter because you’re the only one who deserves to be happy. That is not love. I know that in an era of self love where everyone is trying to get ahead regardless of the other person that is not popular. But that is the way God intended it.

When I went to Max Lucado’s HisIsMine project website to put down my story, I came across the story of a woman (whose name is Judy I think) who’s husband had cheated on her. They weren’t Christians at the time and while the husband confessed to other infidelities and wanted them to go to counseling, she just wanted to end the marriage. She collected as much information as she could and she found out that it would cost less for her to get a divorce than for her to go to counseling. In the end, someone introduced her to a pastor who would counsel her and her husband for free. That was what saved her marriage and caused her to come to the knowledge of Christ.

That got me thinking. We live in a world today that tells us we have rights. But the thrust of my thought is that when we accept those rights instead of walking in love, we fall short of what God wants for us. We think that when we allow. Like I said earlier, it’s interesting that we have so many rights that we guard jealously, yet it has not put an end to wars, murder and other forms of strife. Judy was well within her rights to invoke the law and ask for a divorce. But in the end, she chose to walk in love (albeit unknowingly) and allow her husband to have the counseling he wanted. In the end, she saved her marriage and her soul.

It’s very baffling to me how two people can say that they are in love, get married and then the moment one the man says he wants children, the woman replies with Roe vs. Wade. I find it especially strange when Christian women do it. I’m not saying it’s not their body or their right to choose when to have children. But my view is that it is selfish for her to unilaterally invoke the law and choose for both of them. The least she should do is at least talk with him so that they can both come to an agreement. It’s funny how two people get married and during the marriage ceremony before God and the congregation, pledge their bodies to each other and promise to honour each other with their bodies. Then the moment something comes up, she throws away her marriage vows and invokes the law. Yet, Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:4 tells us that spouses have no power over their own bodies. He goes on further at verse 5 to tell us that married couples should agree about when to have sex or not.

It really got me thinking. When we invoke the law one with another, not only do we negate love, we settle for something less than we would have attained with love. And even though I have used the example of a married couple, it doesn’t have to be a marriage. It could be a friendship, a business or working relationship. The law is not soft like love. It has sharp edges that are meant and used to inflict hurt on the other person. In the end, we hurt ourselves even though we are not aware of it. The law is a form of attack. Love on the other hand is a hand extended in fellowship and goodwill. It might be rejected or it might be trampled upon. But that is no reason not to show love. God has commanded us to be like Him, to represent him here on earth. God is love. We have no reason to be anything else.  

(J C Cruz is the author of DECEPTIO which is available now from http://www.westbowpress.com/store and from http://www.amazon.com and from other Christian bookstores)